Why is it becoming hard to socialize?
As I reminisce over my oldest memories I never see myself as a social nerd, rather someone with a perfect blend of social awkwardness and mild extrovertedness. Someone who would never take the plunge when it came to conversing with an unknown, but would never mind over-sharing her thoughts with someone I cared for. Never being the person who would initiate the small talks to break the ice, I’ve always found myself rather in the background of a group conversation. Gently nodding to opinions I support, or shrugging off judgments that no longer convince me. Although, I had days where I would trespass, and under the influence of adrenaline, I would enjoy being an extrovert for a time being. But it won’t be long before I’d return to the old me. Yet lately, this feeling of being socially challenged is growing exponentially, in a time where silence is most dreaded and is considered insolent and unacceptable at all costs, where the quietness is filled with oohs and ahhs, my survival seems a tad bit arduous.
Like a typical human being, I would like to address the possible causes of this dilemma; my rising social anxiety. And that notorious lad is no other than the Pandemic. Before the world of quarantine, where social-distance to us was a term more alien than the alien themselves. We never felt the need to socialize because it was incorporated into our lives like a staple, to the point that we were doing it subconsciously. Waving hello to the security guard, passing a smile to the receptionist, laughing our hearts out at the lunch tables, or sharing a seat with someone different every day on the bus. We were all somehow contributing to the collective chatter. The imposition of the lockdown like martial law was a hard pill to swallow, although it initially chimed; easy days, meetings in PJs, and the possibility of sleeping through the lectures. Soon it brought void and nothingness.
The guilt of not replying promptly or answering calls, missing out on the gatherings, and then suffering through the insufferable FOMO. Not giving away your unbridled thoughts and pent-up feelings because it’s easy this way. After all, who likes confronting their dreaded fears, when it’s convenient to allow its crippling effects to fully consume us. Soon it became mundane.
As free as a speck of light
As bright as the sunrise
With the perfect hues of gold,
See within, to know the power you hold
Breathe, because it’ll be alright
